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You're yuge, Donny |
“Hiya, Donald, how ya doin’?
You’re looking good, for a wax dummy. I get the idea, though—you’re coming in
after Obama, so orange is the new black, right?
“What’s that on your head,
though? Can I pet it?
“And that tie. You could
land a small plane on it. It’s ‘uge!
“I tell you, I’ve known
you a long time, Donny, and I can say from the bottom of my heart: I’ve never liked you. You’ve always been a schmuck. I guess it’s true
what they say: Any nobody can grow up to be President.
“So now you’re living in the White House—you gotta like that name, huh?—unless you’re staying at Mar-a-Lago, which means “No coloreds allowed,” I understand.
“Actually, you’ve got a
black man in your cabinet, Ben Carson, which proves that you’re no bigot—you’ll
hire anybody, as long as they’re stupider than you.
“At least when Doctor Ben
blows up his department, you can always say the operation was a success, even
though the patient died.
“How’s your golf game, Don? How’s your putter? I hear you’re short on a lot of holes?
“How’s your wife? She’s
serving a term, too—I’d call it a prison term, but at least in prison there’s
sex.
“What about your son, the
one with the misspelled name? There’s one “R” in Baron, Don, ya moron, like
there’s one “P” in “tap.”
“And those two other boys—sharp
as a tack, for a couple of ghouls. You can tell they really love you, Don—like a
barnacle loves a whale.
“Kidding aside, Donny, you don’t have to be a good speller to be President. You just have to be smart. So how in hell did you get elected, ya nosebag?
“They say you have to have
smart people around you, at least. So why Steve Bannon? Hey, Steve, have
another drink and shut up.
“You might be a cretin, Don, but I gotta admit you always see more than others do. Like all those people at your inauguration.
“I’ll say one thing, though, Don—you’re consistent. You’ve always been a loser. What kind of a sad sack puts his name on a building?
“Those little circles you
make with your fingers when you’re giving a speech? Zeroes, I assume?
“You’ve got your critics, Don, but just go right on calling them the losers. You’re President, and they’re not.
“So congratulations, Don—it
couldn’t have happened to a creepier guy.”
