Following President Trump’s
lead in his rehashing of the “Access Hollywood” incident, I’d like to make an
announcement to all the people I’ve ever had to apologize to:
Never mind.
All those things I
supposedly said or did that offended you? Didn’t do them, never said them.
Someone must have been impersonating me.
Actually, my stance is
even more foolproof than Trump’s. Since you’ve got nothing on tape, I’m denying
that I ever spoke or acted out of line, to anyone. As far as I’m concerned, the
slate is clean.
Why all the apologies,
then? Well, it must have been that either I misunderstood what I was being
accused of, or I somehow wanted to mollify the aggrieved party. Call it “smoothing
ruffled feathers.”
Of course, Donald Trump apologizes
only once in a blue moon, but I think he should employ the other half of this
new and ingenious strategy toward resolving a lot of other messes he’s gotten
himself into. For instance, he could tell Kim “Rocket Man” Jong-Un that he
never said we’d rain down “fire and fury”--what he said was we’d rain down “Fiats
and Ferraris” (someone tampered with the tape!), and as for “the likes of which
the world has never seen,” he could say they’d be Facebook “likes.”
The Trump “base” will love
it. When the President says “Who you gonna believe, your own eyes and ears, or
me?” it’ll be no contest.
So now, Trump’s stance on
the “Access Hollywood” video appears to be: “If I said it, it was only
locker-room talk. But I doubt if I said it. It doesn’t sound like my voice.”
That gets him off the
sexual-predator hook, in his mind, and frees him to give his support to Roy
Moore. Judge Moore, like Trump himself, is the victim of a vast media
conspiracy.
Moore might get elected
yet, with or without Trump’s support, but I believe he should seal the deal by
apologizing to all the women who’ve accused him. He could say that all his
interactions with adolescent girls were only horseplay, not foreplay. Then,
after he’s swept into Congress, he could eventually claim that he never
apologized at all.
A clean slate.
