Is our President really
dumb, or really, really, like, smart? It depends on who you ask, apparently. To
me, Jerry Lewis was a blithering idiot, for the most part, but to the French,
he was a genius. It’s all subjective, I guess.
Donald Trump looks fairly dimwitted to me. Under that varicolored hair, or whatever it is, is a “brow unclouded by human thought,” as a movie critic once said about a famous actress’s. Pensiveness and introspection, like so many other words, are not in his vocabulary. You could expand on the lyrics to Sam Cooke’s “What a Wonderful World (It Would Be)” and have a song about Trump that would go on for days. “Don’t know much about ____...” (Fill in the blank, with anything).
Trump, of course, considers himself highly intelligent, because he went to the best schools, built a business empire, and won the Presidency on his first try. But this is pretty weak broth--we’ve tasted it before. Why doesn’t El Presidente take the bull by the horns?
I’ve written a sort of mini-biography that Trump might refer to when he’s asked about his mental capacity. If nothing else, this will confuse his critics and have the fact-checkers scrambling for a few days, or until the next controversy rolls around and this one’s forgotten.
My Resume, by Donald J. Trump:
I was born when America was great, so I was a great American, naturally. I said my first word when I was just a couple of hours old: yuge. My mother was amazed, and so proud. I had a very good relationship with her. I’ve always had a great deal of respect for women.
I skipped the first through the fourth grade. The teachers said I didn’t need to go, because I had a very good brain. I stayed home, and because there wasn’t much to do, I invented television.
All the kids in the neighborhood had treehouses, but I had the best. I had the very best treehouses. I carved my name on all of them.
I was the best athlete at military school. I could have gone pro in any sport, including basketgoal or running. I was very fast.
If I had stayed with the military, I would have made General very, very fast. Even so, I know as much as they do.
I played with a band in college. I came up with an instrument they named for me--the trumpet. I could have been a professional musician.
I graduated with honors, even though I never read a book. I wanted to read, but I was always too busy looking at blueprints.
When I do read, I’m very fast. I’m a very, very fast reader. I can read a long novel by Shakespeare in under an hour.
Not many people know this, but I won the Nobel Prize in Literature. I turned it down because I didn’t need the money, but I was their first choice.
Einstein was a very good friend of mine. He always said I gave him many good ideas.
When I took up golf, I got to be very good, very fast. “Rocket Man” said he made 18 holes-in-one on the first round of golf he ever played. That’s ridiculous; the most I ever made was three.
Did you know that they wanted me to be Pope? Trust me, if I hadn’t run for President, they wanted me to turn Catholic and run for Pope.
The total eclipse? I made it happen. Then I looked straight at it. I’ve always had the best eyes.
The failing Grand Canyon owners wanted me to bail them out. I could name it Trump Canyon. I turned them down--I like things that go up, not down.
Now they want me to be on Mt. Rushmore. Right up there with Terry Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson. We’ll see what happens.
--You’re welcome, Mr.
President.
