Nobody does it better

“Nobody knows the Bible better than I do,” Prez Trump proclaimed back in pre-

His knowledge is yuge--yuge as his you-know-what 

Armaggedon days, when he was courting the evangelical bloc of voters. That statement’s only logical, given that Trump undoubtedly believes that he’s the one who wrote it.  

He quoted a verse from Second Corinthians, but cited “Two Corinthians,” to the amusement of the fun-loving crowd at Liberty University. He later blamed Tony Perkins—not the Psycho guy, but the president of the Family Research Council, who’d written out some crib notes for Trump. “Tony Perkins wrote that out for me,” Trump explained while throwing Perkins under the church bus. “He actually wrote out ‘2’, he wrote out the number ‘2’. I said, ‘Well, Tony has to know better than anyone.”   

That’s not necessarily a contradiction, giving someone else authority after you’d already claimed it, if you consider that many authors leave their books behind them once they’re written.

“Nobody respects women more than I do,” Trump has repeatedly trumpeted. That’s true, in a way. Trump has pledged to “love, honor and obey” a woman, not just once, but three times. You might liken his reverence for the female of the species to the line in the old Steve Martin routine: “I want to put women up on a pedestal,” Martin said. “The better to look up her dress.”

“Nobody knows more about taxes than I do, maybe in the history of the world,” our credulousness-taxing Commander-in-Chief” has said. And if you have such knowledge, why dilute it by giving it to others? Hold on to those tax returns, by all means.

“Nobody knows more about infrastructure than I do,” the Wigged One has boasted. More towers, resorts and golf courses are absolutely essential to a vibrant economy, of course, but Trump also realizes that new bridges, railroads, power plants and schools are important, not to mention excellent opportunities for slapping one’s name on something big. We’re looking forward most of all to Trump Dam.

“Nobody builds better walls than me,” Trump asserts, presumably not ironically referring to the walls he’s already put up as President. The Great Wall of Trump will be his piece de resistance, and not nearly as expensive as experts predict, if Trump succeeds in getting Mexicans to build it—and pay us.

“There’s nobody who understands the horror of nuclear better than me,” says Trump, whose skin does look somewhat irradiated. The horror he envisions, however, is probably the prospect of having no one around to praise him.

That doesn’t mean he wouldn’t pull the trigger, despite the warnings of the generals he knows so much more than. A nuclear holocaust, after all, would provide him the ultimate construction project: Trumpopolis.